this may scare the hell out of some of you.
i have thought about the end of my life.
not just its end, but bringing its end about.
the thoughts came very deliberatively. clinically almost... but in a philosophical not a diagnostic sense.
there was no heroic sacrificial emotion (martyr suicide)
nor was there any despondent anti-heroic emotion (escape suicide).
it is very, very uncool to talk this way in our time.
it smacks us in the face to follow this path of thinking... to consider our own demise.
it is like jumping into an icy lake after sitting nude in a sauna for 20 minutes.
every pour of your body awakens with a start and there is a visceral engagement with life in a new way.
what makes me think about this in an open forum is the recent passing of Gene Kan.
Gene was 25.
a programmer.
a very articulate, educated, thoughtful human being.
Gene decided to end his existence here with us.
we don't like to talk about
the decision to end one's biological existence.
it seems rather macabre
and culturally many of us grew up to pretend to ignore the difficult things in life.
we were groomed to not talk about the messy thing that life and death is.
it is easier that way.
the messy stuff calls into question our own happy little lives.
the smelly shit makes it harder to keep pretending we smell sweet all the time.
the unsalvably tragic loss that death, divorce, terror, abuse, war and the like bring into our lives
keeps us from living an uninterrupted life of entertainment and consumption.
i know a lot of people under 40 who openly talk about (or at least hint at) ending their life.
i am one to ask, "why?"
i am tempted to think that it has something to do with
wholeheartedness
or the lack thereof.
i have thought about the end of my life.
not just its end, but bringing its end about.
the thoughts came very deliberatively. clinically almost... but in a philosophical not a diagnostic sense.
there was no heroic sacrificial emotion (martyr suicide)
nor was there any despondent anti-heroic emotion (escape suicide).
it is very, very uncool to talk this way in our time.
it smacks us in the face to follow this path of thinking... to consider our own demise.
it is like jumping into an icy lake after sitting nude in a sauna for 20 minutes.
every pour of your body awakens with a start and there is a visceral engagement with life in a new way.
what makes me think about this in an open forum is the recent passing of Gene Kan.
Gene was 25.
a programmer.
a very articulate, educated, thoughtful human being.
Gene decided to end his existence here with us.
we don't like to talk about
the decision to end one's biological existence.
it seems rather macabre
and culturally many of us grew up to pretend to ignore the difficult things in life.
we were groomed to not talk about the messy thing that life and death is.
it is easier that way.
the messy stuff calls into question our own happy little lives.
the smelly shit makes it harder to keep pretending we smell sweet all the time.
the unsalvably tragic loss that death, divorce, terror, abuse, war and the like bring into our lives
keeps us from living an uninterrupted life of entertainment and consumption.
i know a lot of people under 40 who openly talk about (or at least hint at) ending their life.
i am one to ask, "why?"
i am tempted to think that it has something to do with
wholeheartedness
or the lack thereof.